My Love Came Back Today

My love came back today
But not to me
My love has missed me
But not my body
He hasn’t ached for my smooth waist
Or tender fingers trailing
But he loves me just the same

My love returned today
But not to my embrace
My love knows I missed him
And is waiting for our lips to meet
Across the couch, sharing coffees
Not kisses

My love returned today
Completely his
I wouldn’t have him any other way

Life!

A snatched moment of internet time! Must write waffle on abandoned blog so everyone knows I'm still alive!

Hello?

Oh, well. Anyway, Tree is circling me like a magpie on a diamond so I have precious few moments to write something worth your mighty click.

*pressure*

*folds*

My plans for this blog is to mainly return to my booky witterings. As this is all I do. I need a focus and despite every interest known to man sparking flutterings in my breast, I shall focus on books and writing. I am enjoying filling in my Book Lust journal and seeing the amount of books I am ploughing through, and the wide variety. I've finally learned to stick with a book to the end, instead of dipping in and out of twenty at a time.

Hurrah!

Right now

Definitely lonely.
Shall pass.
Like everything.
Like comfort.
Cold metal.

The Orphan

I saw The Orphan with Betty on Friday night. The showing was 9.45 and the place was packed - Date Night. I'm still not used to seeing police officers at the cinema, and any reminder that guns are legal put me on edge. Hardly a day goes by when there's not been a shooting in Detroit.
Anyway.
On the day of its release, adoption agencies and orphanages were calling for a boycott as, they said, The Orphan gave a misleading, unfair and potentially damaging view of parentless children in need of a loving home. I was thinking "Well, I see why you might be nervous but come on. No mature, compassion adult is going to withdraw their application to adopt just because they watch some daft horror film." People didn't stop camping after The Blair Witch Project, showering after Psycho, or buying chainsaws after The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, did they? Jaws may have kept people out of the water and The Hitcher from picking up strangers, but that's common sense. People can surely watch a film and make the distinction between the story and their own lives.

In the end, The Orphan was better than I thought it was going to be. It was made purely for scares, no real substance or backbone to the story or characters, but it was interesting. I loved the character of Esther, the orphan of the title. Her old fashioned dresses and impeccable vocabulary were delightful and her whole closed-off, anti-social demeanour could have blossomed into something genius, the Outsider par excellance. If she hadn't have been completely cuckoo. Shame that she couldn't have had a vague interest in blood, like that Chucky-Doll girl in ANTM, rather than had to go and actually kill people. Her art was great, loved all the hidden vibrancy ;) But alas, by the end of the film the love affair had ended with Lil Miss Quirky Boots and you had lost all sympathy for her. If she'd have kept being interesting The Orphan might've been a film to buy and keep. Instead, it ended up being just another heart-racer full of fake blood. The twist made it redemptive though, for the people worried about the future of adoption. There were some lines and moments that were hard to hear and watch, as an adopted child, and these might linger in the head of someone who makes decisions based on horror plots, but all in all, it shouldn't hurt the plight of kids needing parents.

As long as none of those parents are teens right now and have just gone to see The Orphan. The people in the auditorium were bonkers! They kept yelling stuff like "freak" and clapping and cheering when bad stuff happened to Esther. (I was with them, in the end, as I said but it was OTT) But when faced with someone a bit different their first instinct was to reject them. Slightly unnerving. They didn't seem like a very accepting crowd. When she got her make up on and went to harvest her fruit, there were so many loud shows of disgust. She just looked like a small goth. It suited her. It's something I've been wondering about for a long time, and going to see this film confirmed it: I would have been dogmeat in a US high school. Perhaps more so than at Noel Baker. The blatant, oxymoronic frankness of their narrow mindedness was scary, sod the film. It dismayed me. Yes, kids are cruel. Yes, they will find one tiny thing and make it the reason to hate you. And yes, I am done with high school, thank God. But Jake's not. Jake's going in there, with all those horrible kids (the elementary school kids were cruel in the film too - I was definitely on Esther's side with that) and he has things that are different. How can I make him strong to face cruelty? Before I've even finished the sentence, I know it's futile. There'll always be something, kids will always see the world how their parents see it and I can't stop Jake being exposed to narrow minded bigoted arseholes. Dammit.
In a country as diverse and rebellious as America, how can it be so parochial? It's rife.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Finally saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Fookin' loved it. People have complained, as they did after reading the book, about the focus on snogging and the hormonal minefield that is co-ed school. I think it's fantastic. It reminds you of the fundamental humanness of our heroes. Harry may be The Chosen One, have strength and courage unsurpassed, but he's still just a teenage boy, with all the average teenage boy worries on top of all the Voldemort worries. And seeing Hermione's emotional turmoil brought back a lot of my feelings when I fell for a friend. I connected with her, at last. That's been hard in the films. It was good to see Emma Watson had abondoned her beloved throat growl she overused in Goblet of Fire. I really enjoyed her performance in this film, and she looked beautiful.
Quidditch rocked! Missed it after Umbridge grrr.
The scene at the Burrow was genius. Absolutely loved it.
I also liked how they portayed Draco's increasing withdrawal and isolation from the student body. Alone in his task, which is far too burdensome for his young (weak) shoulders. I actually felt a bit sorry for him, which I never did when reading.
I loved the bit they did in lieu of Dumbledore's funeral. Wept like a baby. Was beautiful :)
Oh I can't think right now and I have to get ready to go to the library. My head's full of Daniel Radcliffe and, frankly, I can't think straight.

Oh!

Finished Island of the Blue Dolphins yesterday. It's the kind of book you can return to year after year, it's so transporting. Beautifully simple, narrated so that you are instantly seeing the island and the world through Karana's eyes and thoughts. I found it so inspiring the way she teaches herself, and survives off her own courage and persistence. She adapts so well, finding enjoyment, friends, learning about the inherent love in animals, crafting things for necessity and pleasure. Makes plans, sometimes working through many seasons to see the fruits of her labours. No rush, no defeatism - just pure determination and inner-faith. A true heroine. I adore her.

I want to go first

I don't want to be left behind.

Isn't that the most incredibly selfish thing?

Eisenhower Library

Yesterday I arrived at the library on Eisenhower at 11.30 and found a little desk against the window at the back and settled down with some poetry. Then I got on with writing and rewriting some stuff. 'Crystal Lantana' got a third rewrite, totally stripped down. The first couple of stanzas went down from 30 words to 16. I think it's better, but I could be wrong. When you've sat with a poem for hours you stop being able to see it from a distance and this can hinder you. I keep rewriting it because I know it can be good, the bare bones of it I love.

First time I looked at my watch it was 2.15! Was gutted time had gone so quick, but happy it'd gone so peacefully. I didn't even hear it pass.

I am going to go back next Wednesday, and the Wednesday after that and the.... It was so good to just work and not have 10,000 interruptions or distractions. Once weekly doesn't feel enough but it will be for now. When Jake goes to school I can go more often.

Get thee to a scullery

A nothing day today (so why come blog? Cuz I'm bored and need to find a focus, and generally achieve that through a few pages of mindless rambling. Sucks to be you.) Nothing to report, nothing to pre-report, nothing to plan. I feel completely useless. I am actually having cleaning fantasies. I wish I had my own house to keep pretty. I am having that nesting thing that women have just before labour. I keep buying decorating books and picking colour schemes. I keep having to stop myself from tidying up this house.
It's all functional. By that I mean, everything's doing the same job it's done for the past 30 years and there's no eye for beauty or pleasure. I suppose growing up and then living in a completely male-dominated environment would knock the Aphrodite beauty-loving whispers out of any woman, if they're even there at all, so I understand why there's no eye for attractiveness. But I just wish there was some glimmer of prettiness somewhere. The bedspread was a lovely gesture, but it was such a masculine design, it proved that she goes for at best unisex, at worst plain stuff most of the time. There was a gorgeous lilac one, much like the duvet set we had in England and I wished she'd have thought to choose that one. Bob doesn't care what he sleeps in. I do prefer to have things that look nice. I don't think this is superficial, I just am a very visual person and love things that are aesthetically pleasing. It's what makes me a good artist. If I would only apply myself.
Not that I only go for pretty things for the sake of it. As a Capricorn I love things to be practical and to have surroundings that are both beautiful and practical is the ideal. I may seem to be contradicting myself, but it's true. Decorating a room with new ornaments or things just because they match or look good seems like a waste to me. Having had the house full of useless clutter, I can't stand to have things around me anymore that have no use or that I don't love. But lovely objects that have a history or a meaning to you, along side well-thought out functional items that also look good.....that's what I want my house to be like. A lovely, pleasing space to come home to, relax in. Not have it all clambering around your eyes, screaming for order, for clarity. So sick of that. A place for pleasure, ease, comfort, enjoyment. A place of beauty to reflect love.

Complete Twat

I may have overreacted slightly, but the whole stress of the situation just overwhelmed me and I couldn't hold back the tears. Plus I was gutted I'd lost the little cards from my sister and the last of my savings.
As I got my bag ready to leave for the big Curry Ingredients Spree I looked at the savings in my wallet that I'd put in for yesterday's estate sale and thought "I should really leave that at home" but ended up not, and taking it all out with me.
I did my own thing in Meijer while Bob and Butch got some kitchenware to make a big elaborate curry, Indian soup and naans for this evening. I paid for my stuff, got rushed by the Chinese woman behind me whose box of cereal was hurtling towards me before I'd even started packing my bag (self-scan with conveyer belts - not a good idea with impatient ppl), had a quick slurp at the water fountain on the way out and went and sat in the truck and talked to Mike about Marilyn Monroe. Bob and Butch weren't back yet so I figured I had time to nip back in the store and have a wee (yes, you are going to get every detail because this still feels like one big drama that I have to release for any real sense of closure). As I put my eyeliner back in my bag I thought "This feels light, where's my....shit!!!" My wallet wasn't in my bag. Flew to the Customer Service desk, pushing in to ask if anyone had handed in a green wallet. She looked in a little cupboard and said no. Checked the conveyor belt - not there. Asked the bloke standing at the self-scan helpdesk - no. Really trying not to panic but really starting to panic. Went to the truck to see if it was in there or my bag of shopping. Ran back to the Customer Service desk to ask again. Bloke had a dozy look through that box, "Nah. You can check back later." I thought he would ask for my details so he could contact me if it got handed in but he didn't.
I then started crying because of the aforementioned keepsakes and savings and it kept upsetting me that someone had my pictures of Jake. My three strapping young men asked for security while I literally digged in bins, sure that all I needed to do was find it, it was lying somewhere waiting for me and it would be okay. If someone had taken the money, they'd have just dumped the rest, like last time. The security woman came up and said she'd check the tapes but not to get my hopes up because if it's been taken then I'm not gonna see it again. From what she said, she didn't think much of Ypsilanti folk. Anyway, she checked the tapes, said she saw the Chinese woman with her box of cereal, but there was no wallet in the packing area, from what she could see. Which was sort of a relief, as that might mean I'd just misplaced it, instead of it being stolen. Except we'd looked everywhere.
So I thanked her and left to go cancel my bank and library card.
As we pulled up outside the house, Bob's mum came out on the phone and it was the security lady at Meijer - the purse had been handed in at the Customer Service desk! She said she'd checked the tapes again and could see it on the floor (well done me) and a Meijer guy had seen it and handed it in. I was like, I asked there twice! Bloody useless. So happy though. I was really torturing myself for being such a ditsy twat.
So, phew, happy ending. I might get it sewn into my right arm to avoid another escapade.

Curry was lovely :)

Just keep swimming...

Just testing the ability to upload pics on here. When I've tried it with web-based photos it's not worked.
"No hurling on the shell dude, ok? Just waxed it." :)