Some of my poems/pieces written over the past fifteen years or so. Please bear in mind these include the teenage years and those poems reflect the age and preoccupations of that time... Feedback welcome!
Imbolc prayer
Maiden Goddess, stirring youth,
the Earth awakens
to your gentle tread
and the birds flutter
along your laughter.
We emerge from Winter
refreshed and renewed
with plans and dreams
of life fulfilled.
Your bursting light,
your gentle blossom,
blesses and nourishes
our spirits ~ ready for
another year, a new
page, your eternal dance.
___________
Summer Spirit
In the summer, when the air is warm
and the ladybirds scuttle over rockeries
and worms bake on the concrete,
When the looming new school year
wills your bones and fears to grow
and drinks have straws
and grass floats in the paddling pool,
He comes to me on the faint hum of a wasp,
cupping all the yellow petals,
and counts them out, each one
a deed. I rub them between my fingers,
tiny scrolls of shame, and feel the sun blaze.
In the summer, when doors creak
in the afternoon breeze and the ice cream
van has you running barefoot in the street,
I lay with him and sink into his prickly
flesh, breathing silent as a butterfly,
the yellow petals crushed beneath us.
_____________
Reception
You draw your finger
up my leg press
your palms around
my waist fingertips
touching at the small
of my back tell me
what does the silence tell you?
Your nose pushes into
my collar bone brut
breath clouding my
head you move every limb
like a doll listen
what does the silence
tell you?
______________
Pollution
What once was fog
a dense grey
fulfilling poison
becomes a soil
substantial
embedding the vein
gritting the blood.
______________
Jan 16 2010
Little cloud
wreathed in flesh
inviolate charm
already weeping
for forgiveness.
Where the bones bow
a retreat
for you
impossible. Explore in
your sanity, your shadow
engulfs me,
my pall.
I drain into sunlight
one with the glare
untethered
your torment
an
echo.
_____________
The memory will always entice me
like petals opening
a rush of beauty
savour the sinking feeling
of the eventual fade.
_____________
Vein Concern
And when past mistakes
Are reddened and full,
Pulsing, you remember
Why nothing stops.
And when he's lying
Beside you, his
Tenderness pushing the
Sharp touch from your
Palms, fantasies fade.
The shame chokes you;
Reality a tight gauze.
The purple slips from sight,
Embedded still. And when
Your heart stops beating
The happiness will
Disappear, your
Sadness looming
As an epitaph.
___________
Crystal Lantana
A dark jewel sits within,
throbbing
a hot violet
fog, gobbling
light, shimmering her distorted
comfort.
At my core
her coarse brilliance burns
within. I open myself, to let her breathe;
she trickles and cools
on my skin.
And when she is calm she whispers
downs my veins
secrets.
Nestling in the gloaming,
her indigo misery
tear drops treacle venom
down my throat,
my thighs, my thoughts
slick with morbid rapture.
_______________
Prayer
My Goddess,
I know you are a
creation - I am not
yours - yet you
are as real as all
the blades and leaves
and more constant
than any toll
or echo. This trust,
my faith, is not
wishful, but rational.
Your nameless, formless,
godless love doesn't call
me, doesn't require conversion,
doesn't pave a good path to your
righteous side.
You ask nothing
but my nature.
_____________
Saturn's Rings (2003)
Sat, shivering. Hot centre pulsing, wanting to melt the world and feel alive again. Tears hiss against white cheeks, teeth chink and echo through the hollows down to feet.
I am every nothing that was, every beautiful thing that followed suit. I am yours in peace but fragmented, cascading round the elusive core, if it's there at all, perfectly formed, never whole; always turning, turning, in hope of reformation.
_____________
Wine Glass
Slowly rotating
the cool stem in my
fingers; focused,
impatient for the
revelation;
the half-reflection
never turns to face
me, no matter
how hard I
stare
and wait.
_____________
I am a little dark mess.
My blood-filled arms harden into
an unmovable misery.
There is no new life here, she is death.
Poor are the blessed souls who take
her on.
Her hair is like a curse.
I am collected. Like a prescription;
a new car; a limited edition stamp.
Suddenly the light changes
and the merriment is a mockery of
my trauma.
If she was here I would smell her.
My heart feels silly beating by itself.
There is no rhythm anymore.
I am smiled at; squeezed and dizzied.
They can't know the
terrible things I hold inside me.
They mustn't know why
she left. Maybe they
can see the poison
in my throat? Will it seep
from my belly scar?
I will hide it forever and
never tell. They can't know
the truth of me, the
darkness that coats my
skin like an armour, like
a birthmark, a messenger
to all who try to peel it off:
she is foetid, she is cold,
she is wasteful.
Leave her alone, leave her alone.
______________
Paradox (1998)
Every night I try to let you go; free you, myself
But everything you do and hurt me with
Feels too sweet in the cold morning light, the same tonic
Shame revealed.
My stifled screams and your obedient orders fill each
Night, each memory more perverse - haunted
By a deformed imagination, a calculated fear.
A new bruise, broken skin, crunch, polly flames;
Sympathy.
Weaker every second, stronger every minute, more loved every day.
Insanity breeds where harmony lies
Two-second recognition then we all slip back to routine
Uncontrollable forms push me apart, open space, crystal mind.
It would be too easy to let you go; their love would slip away.
No love anyway.
I made you too independent, you hurt me in
Places you weren’t allowed to see; you were
Always allowed to touch every forbidden part of me.
Can’t give you up: the painless torture pierces
Every defect and wraps me up in sense and reason.
A motive deeper set in sickness. Every night a
More accomplished and precise misery, from you;
Myself.
I’m not protected, but this is the only place I’m safe.
____________
Shit Bleeds (1999)
Tears streak along the porcelain
sink for the second time this week and it’s only Monday
I’m late for period two or is it lunch now
The outer world of this little cave scares me
and scars me and my head starts to hurt as my fist
crashes the cubicle wall I wonder if that ever will fall
down Can you hear me in your office
Do you see me through the keyhole just a hand
The mirror with its pink kisses stings my skin and
I wonder why the hell you’d kiss a mirror I’m living
proof that you can get blood out of a stone if you squeeze
hard enough I’m living proof that shit can bleed
if you allow it to manifest to its best ability
Now I really am late she’s gonna kill me not if
I get there first My folders are strewn about all
over the floor I must have dropped them as my
hands grabbed my head and my logic grabbed
my blades A sawing noise irritates my brain
as I gulp a handful of water that’s probably
recycled piss anyway Shit likes piss
They leave together and arrive together
Standing up straight I attempt the perfect posture
but give in If I could just get some of that up there
Blood rushes into my hands as I let them dangle and
I swoop them up and it trickles down drains away
Comic images of my arms extending send
a smile to my mouth and the prospect of more
to mutilate brings a sparkle to my eye
Oh for longer arms and bigger breasts
My eyelids fall dismally as I remember the
homework I’d forgotten dammit where’s
my locker key I want that chocolate bar now
Slipping my defence into my bag I wonder if I
can afford some Pepsi but I only
have sixty pence and am already hungry
and it’s only period two or is it lunch now
I wish someone had thought of putting a
goddamn clock in the toilets for people like
me who keep leaving their watch on their bedside table
Leaning against the sink I wonder why I even
come here I never listen or write it down or
ask the questions the good ones ask
Maybe they’re just dumb and not thorough like they seem
Yawning I try to remember what time I went
to bed last night and realise it was earlier than
usual I couldn’t be bothered with you last night
Composing myself I rearrange my hair and
wipe away the streaks of eyeliner with a licked
finger I would kill to lick your…finger A smile
Creeps across my face as your naked body
Creeps through my mind and I go cold
I remind myself that I have to work and suck up
To that bitch we are forced to call miss
Walking out of my cave my shoulder knocks the wall
I run my hand through my hair subconsciously and peer
into your office to find it empty One down another to go
Quickly remembering my tights are nearly round my
Fucking knees I pull them up and nearly split myself
The class is silent as I approach the door and rest my
red palm on the metal handle Pushing it down I think twice
and turn and run down the stairs only to find you
waiting at the bottom eyebrows arched waiting for my
reason Your gaze falters as we both realise I forgot to
unroll my sleeves and another person wakes up to the fact that
shit bleeds
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